Aliens Deny Impregnating Paris Hilton

I got the greatest spam email. The subject line was “Aliens Deny Impregnating Paris Hilton.” Sadly, the body of the email wanted me to download something, but my interest was already piqued. With such a headline, what would the news article be?


MARS — Two aliens accused of impregnating Planet Earth’s American celebrity Paris Hilton are denying the charges.

The Martians came under fire recently after the Earthling was spotted shopping around downtown Los Angeles (California, United States, Earth) with a distinct round bump under her designer dress that usually indicates a human pregnancy. According to Martian district prosecutor Rongor Marsen, the bump’s appearance came about rather suddenly, pointing to possible Martian impregnation. If the charges prove true, Proaf Giem (34) and Jillin Murtag (36), recent Earth visitors, could face up to 10 years behind kryptonite for what might have been just a night of adolescent adventuring.

“We did go to the Angel city, it’s true,” Giem said, ignoring his defending attorney’s advice not to speak to the press. “But,” Giem continued, “we were just testing out Jillin’s new Lorean with a drive to the HOLLYWOOD sign and back– we circled twice around the sign and flew home, that was it.”

Prosecutor Marsen alleges that the teenagers stopped at a typical American-Earthling eatery for a burger (decimated bovine sandwich), where they saw the 51-year-old Earthling. According to the charges, the two teenagers lured her into their vehicle and promptly engaged in what is commonly called “pregging,” a direct violation of Martian code 49Q$j, which explicitly prohibits Martian-Earthling impregnation without prior arrangement with the Ministry.

The teenagers’ defending attorney, Launa Smogg, said the charges are completely without basis and that the Earthling’s quickly appearing bump can be easily attributed to other causes: “Hilton is an Earthling with extremely small proportions unaccustomed to digesting large amounts of food; her abdominal cavity expansion was a result of the burger she ate, not of any impregnation activities by my clients.”

Added Murtag, “Seriously, have you seen that Earthling? I wouldn’t have pregged her, not for a million marsians!”

Intergalactic phone calls to the Earthling celebrity regarding her pregnancy status were not returned.


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