Many months ago, I came across a website that claimed something so outlandish and crazy, I knew it had to be true. This website, this heretical blog, claimed that chocolate cake could be made in a microwave. In three minutes.
Knowing that playing with knowledge like this would be like playing with fire, I stored the link safely away in my toolbar, where I could observe it from afar. Periodically, I checked on it. The post was full of comments, with things like, “No no no, cachocolatey desserts arent supposed to be this easy. You have thrown off the natural order of things.” I knew this was confirmed dangerous stuff.
So one Sunday, sitting around with little to do and a sweet tooth hollering for some peace, I decided to risk it. I armed myself with my household’s largest coffee mug. I mixed the ingredients. I brazenly substituted applesauce for eggs and soy milk for regular milk. (Hey, it was a Sunday, okay? I was low on ingredients.) And I mixed. Slowly, the cup went from looking like a oily mess to… a cake batter mess. I tasted the batter—it was a bit appley, but okay. I stuck it in the microwave, set the timer to 3 minutes, and left the room, lest it explode.
Approximately 2 minutes and 55 seconds later, I heard a beep. It was done. For a moment, I was too frightened to go in the kitchen and see what had happened. Could it be possible that a microwave could really yield such amazingness? In three minutes?! What would it mean for the world, the universe, and my caloric intake, never mind things like my dentist bills?
I took a deep breath and opened the microwave. No carnage was to be seen. I picked up the mug and looked inside. Why, it looked just like chocolate cake! I dumped it out onto a plate. Its mostly-cylindrical form was moist and smelled sweet. I took a bite. It was good. Not amazing, I mean, you could tell the substitutions, but pretty damn good. Would’ve been excellent with vanilla ice cream. And maybe some chocolate mini-chips added to the batter. And a darker, richer, cocoa powder.
All of a sudden, it struck me: It had worked. And now nothing would ever be the same. I’m tempted to make comparisons to the discovery of the structure of DNA, or penicillin, or the lightbulb, or the telephone. I mean, it’s not like Edison got stellar in-room reception on his first call… but it got better. Once the first breakthrough was achieved, a new chapter in history was begun.
And so, my friends, I give you: The Most Dangerous Chocolate Cake Recipe. Go forth and zap your way to chocolatey bliss.